will probably never post here again

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark,

Finally, I can see you crystal clear,
Go ahead and sell me out and a I'll lay your ship bare,
See how I'll leave with every piece of you,
Don't underestimate the things that I will do,

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark,

The scars of your love remind me of us,
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all,
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,
I can't help feeling,

We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside your hand,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
And you played it to the beat,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),

Baby, I have no story to be told,
But I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn,
Think of me in the depths of your despair,
Make a home down there as mine sure won't be shared,

The scars of your love remind me of us,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
I can't help feeling,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),

We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside your hand,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),


And you played it to the beat,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),

Could have had it all,
Rolling in the deep,
You had my heart inside your hand,
But you played it with a beating,

Throw your soul through every open door,
Count your blessings to find what you look for,
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold,
You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you've sown,

(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
We could have had it all,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
It all, it all, it all,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),

We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside your hand,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
And you played it to the beat,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),

Could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside your hand,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),

But you played it,
You played it,
You played it,
You played it to the beat.

it's the 8th weekend. eight weeks have passed.

sigh it's going to snowball into eight years and then eight decades and then eight lifetimes and then eight eternities.

oh well what can i do but to trust God? i honestly don't even what exactly i'm trusting God about. trust God that we'll turn out fine? trust God that we'll eventually meet again? trust God that we're going separate ways for good and i'll never be hurt again? i'm just trusting.

sometimes i get so fed up with this whole thing i just want to pick up the phone and call. but then there is always this thing stopping me. unexplainable and yet so powerful. i remember i never had to hold back whenever i wanted to find you or even do something for you.

plus it's so annoying when the topic of you KEEPS coming up. i don't need reminders about how we spent the last two years happily together in school. i don't need reminders of you once being so nice to me. i don't need reminders of whatever that happened. i don't need, i don't need and i don't need. i even hate it when people ask out of goodwill. it irks me and i get so angry inside. i get angry at how insensitive the person asking is and i get angry at you for being the way you are. and the worst thing is, i don't even have a proper reason to blow up. it feels like rubbish to have to play along and even provide details of how we used to be so fine and sound like... it doesn't bug me at all.

sometimes God just feels unbelievably far away. i can't even hear Him when it comes to this. through these eight weeks i've heard plenty of "just call him"s and plenty of "forget him and walk away"s stirring in my subconscious mind but i just don't know which one is God. i've been stuck in a limbo and either way it seems like i'm bound to lose. what are the odds of us sinking into a stalemate once again? what are the odds of us managing to clear whatever misunderstanding there was in the beginning? what exactly have i NOT let go of, you tell me God. how have i not "done my best and let God do the rest", you tell me God. WHAT more do i have to do? fill the God shaped hole in my heart with You? and You send all kinds of people coming to ask me about him? stop messing me up like that. it feels like a horrible whirlwind and the terrifying part is that it is NOT stopping.

i lost all urge to love. i lost all ability to love. i know this is exactly the part i've let go of God. i stopped wanting to make people feel loved. i lost the very calling Jesus has planted in my heart since the beginning of time. 2011 has seen me morph into a cold-blooded person whose heart will never ever break for anyone again. it haunts me because i know this very well myself. how am i exactly going to do more work in God's Kingdom when i refuse to step out of the very cage i've locked myself in. but you threw the key away.

it's so pretentious of me to have to keep up like i'm all fine. i don't even feel worthy to stand in church and worship when my heart is fully occupied with someone else who doesn't even deserve to be there. these eight weeks i've been viewing most, if not all guys, with the same tinted lenses and telling myself how i will never land myself in the same situation again.

it really really kills me from the inside out when the memories of us just start replaying from someone else's mouth. it is the worst way, ever. and because some of these memories are so funny, i have to laugh. must have been the most bitter laughter that ever came from me this lifetime thus far.

i'm going to move onto the next stage of my life. i might really be leaving you behind for good. this could be the last i'm ever going to hear of you. it wasn't even supposed to be like that in the first place. you said you wanted us to be friends forever. you wanted to be a brother to me but you never even tried. i might have screwed this up but you definitely did too. the first person i wanted to work hard for, the first person i wanted myself to change for and the first person who makes me run away from the best thing God has to offer me in life.

just so you know, the real forever started two months back.

just been through one of the best 4d3n of year 2011!

these four days God has been reassuring me that going local is indeed part of His plan for me. i don't think my law school dream has been compromised in any way but i believe these four years will be aptly used by God to prepare me to make a dream (and many others' dreams) come true. i've been trying to correct my mindset and prepare my heart for university life and i was once extremely worried about how my attitude towards going to a local university when i had the opportunity to pursue a course of my dreams in UK will affect my university life. but since then God has been showering me with lots of chances to see how i will be better prepped for an overseas education in Singapore first. i am undoubtedly taking baby steps to my dream with my God.

looking back, the past four days made me think through a lot. i enjoyed myself immensely because there was an indisputable sense of familiarity for there are some people i know around. i wasn't thrown into a completely new environment, which would definitely be the case in UK. around me were people my age, give and take a few years and we've all been through pretty much the same thing. these are probably the kids i'll be seeing for the next four years and i'm, to be honest, relieved. it's not going to be as bad as i think it would be, God's hand is pretty evident in reassuring me.

secondly, this camp made me realise how i want to keep some of my jc friends for the rest of my life. was thinking how i'll never find a second of every single one of the schoolmates i love so dearly and staying on would be the way to go. my bestie, my brud and the rest of them, all so dear and precious to me. i want to be around to see each of us go through a totally new life station. university for the girls, army for the guys. i want to enjoy this alongside with all my buddies and i want to be around when we swop dorm and school stories. i want to be around when we all decide to go on a vacation together despite being in different schools simply because we want to relive high school days. i want to be a carefree college girl with a familiar social circle and a comfortable place i can call home to return to a little longer. and maybe God doesn't think i'm ready to start living on my own in a new country? which is precisely why suddenly thoughts of me screwing up emerged in my head and made me consider about going abroad. even thought i thought i could handle it, He didn't. rather than letting me crash and burn, He made me go through a safer yet longer path. it's not going to go wasted. preparation for doing greater work for God's Kingdom!

speaking of the camp, it was really fun. got to meet lots of new people, tried lots of things but there is still this one thing i cannot get past. which was playing captain's ball with a raw chicken. it's beyond disgusting and it's really a waste of food. but i was really fine with the rest, such as rolling down a hill in a ball and climbing back up. really want to thank God for the opportunity to do so and so glad that i went for this camp! psyched for more and I REALLY CAN'T WAIT TO BEGIN HALL LIFE!!! :)

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

how extremely apt it shocks me.